A letter: Being scared, doing it anyway
Subject: Being scared, doing it anyway
Ccc: youhavegotthis(@)gmail.com
Bcc: whatifitallgoesright(@)gmail.com
To whom it may concern,
I'm sorry I haven't been writing. When I’m nervous, I tend to avoid writing, as it is directed at how I’m feeling—the very thing I am avoiding.
It is not the truth but my brain struggles with the idea of nervousness and credentials, that having nervousness is associated with a lack of knowing. Like I know less because I’m scared. See two things can be true at once; I can be scared and I can be a good writer. Choosing to sit with my feelings and be vulnerable could be the recipe for great writing, or at the very least it is real and that is powerful in its own right. So despite being scared, I’m writing. Despite being scared, I just held back tears at the airport saying goodbye to my mum for 2 months to go travelling by myself. By the time you read this; I would have done the hard part. Getting on the plane, navigating airports, landing in a new country, and putting myself out there to meet new people.
Quick Back Story, I graduated from University at the end of last year, and completed an internship for the first half of this year. Since then I have been applying to big-girl jobs. Somewhere between applications, interviews, and rejections. I decided I wanted to travel. Don’t get me wrong I will be circling back to the big-girl job. However, I decided I would push it back 2 months because if it’s not now, then when. I have always wanted to travel since I was young, I don’t think there is one reason for this. I blame my mum, she has a traveller's heart. She has given me opportunities that she could only dream of. This trip is for me, and because of her. I want to prove to myself that I am capable of doing something that I want to do, even if it scares me. Something my younger self and my mum would have dreamed of. Also between you and me everything I do is a little bit for my mum.
The idea of solo travel has been brewing in my head for a while, but the decision was spontaneous. I am not usually a spontaneous person, I love to be in my comfort zone. I like to do things in chronological order, and have stability in my life. I am a little bit of a germaphobe, and yes I will be staying in hostels. So you could say that solo tripping to Europe for a month and a half by yourself is insane. You are not wrong, but it feels like the right kind of insane. I went from spending my teen years in complete anxiety; refusing to go into supermarkets, having panic attacks, and barely having the ability to exist. Now I am going on my first solo trip. It is okay to spend parts of your life just surviving, but I think it’s important to know there is more out there.
I am pushing myself way past my comfort zone that maybe it will reprogram my whole nervous system. I will come back as a chill, go-with-flow, extroverted girl. I don’t think so but I do know I will gain confidence in myself. In the form of anxiety will no longer be my identity, I will trust my intuition, and that I am capable of sitting in my nervousness. Who knows maybe it will even be fun? Creating memories that will last me a lifetime with people I'm yet to meet. Despite being scared out of my mind, I am so grateful for having the opportunity. We have to take the opportunities when we have them. It’s pure luck that I get to do this, pure golden luck that I won’t waste.
I don’t know everything, being 21 means there will be immense learning in front of me. Though there is something I know for sure; heal your inner child. Be gentle with yourself, hear yourself, and look after yourself. It’s not linear nor easy, I am still in this process, but it is worth it. The moment you stop hating yourself for feeling, and start walking through the fear holding your own hand, is the moment your life changes.
Be scared, do it anyway. I am doing it beside you. We have got this.
My love,
M.
