On Finding Yourself (Post Solo Trip)

I went to find something, I went to gain confidence, to let go of anxiety as my identity, and truly find out who I am when I am not run by fear. Yet I only found the beginning of who I could be. That was the biggest blessing. 

Let me explain, there is this idea that once we find ourselves, and know everything about who we are, life will fall into place. We will have all the knowledge to make the best decisions, and empower others through our unique authenticity. Our life will now be on track for future endeavours regarding careers, marriages or anything of the sort. Knowing yourself is important, but in order to grow, we need to accept ourselves at all stages of who we are. We don’t just wake up one day as a full self, instead it evolves over our lifetime. So why hate where you're at, when it’s not going to make you get to the end any faster? It is a process, I’m not saying I like it, but there is so much to learn, so much to be, and so much to find. There is so much to become.

The most transformative part of solo travel was sitting in fear. I like to be alone, but travelling alone is a different type of loneliness. It was like I was facing everything I was afraid of all alone, all at once, and all I could do was bear it. I had to learn to be with fear, in chaos, in new locations, amongst hunger, no sleep, on planes, on trains, on ferries, in bars, in museums, while eating alone. I had to learn to be when it was so amazing that I didn't know how I got so lucky. I had to learn to be when asking for help and exposing myself to potential rejection. While solo travelling you are faced with every thought and everything that has kept you up at night. Including things that you didn’t even know were buried in you. So you have to learn to be amongst fear. Maybe you even conquer it for a little while. 

During this solo trip, I found the version of myself that feels closest to who I am. She’s who I needed to know that I’ll really like who I’ll be. She can handle everything hard and let herself feel everything good. For the first time, she chose to be brave and vulnerable, despite running away from it her whole life. I learnt to like who I am. I like my natural ability to be kind to myself and others, I like how well I hold boundaries, I like how easily I make others laugh, I like my creativity and the art I can make in my head, I like how I value connection, I like my quest for good even if it’s dire, I’ll find a way to plant seeds of hope. I like the grace I hold even when I’m insecure, tired, or hungry. I like that I feel things deeply even when it hurts. There are still things I’m learning to like. Maybe when we like all the parts of ourselves we will become. 

The deconstruction of aged timelines. That certain things must happen to you at a certain age is total bullshit, whether it is graduating from university, or having your first kiss, or moving out, or buying a house. We all come from different places, different finances, different accessibilities, and different educations. We are all different, it’s not going to be the same. When travelling I met so many people. I made friends of all types of ages. A woman who was married with a kid said she still likes to go on solo trips. A man who chose to solo travel instead of settling down like his friends. Another woman who settled down and decided she wanted to go on her first solo trip. We all move differently due to our experiences and needs, but once you decide what way you want to move, and go in that direction, you are closer to who you’ll be.