Grateful Life Pains; Growing up the youngest of four

I don’t think growing pains ever fully go away, I think they just change with us. The same way most things do. Once we finish growing, it’s like our bodies no longer ache from our legs, instead the ache is coming from our chest.

As you know, time is unchangeable. It will continue to move whether we like it or not. That’s why most of us fear it, some work with it, and live like time probably intended them to. The feelers we mourn when we still have time to use. We mourn our childhood home, mourn the sunny summer evening smell, mourn the trampoline games with our siblings, mourn adventures through the forest near our home, mourn the snow cones, even the ones with too much ice. We mourn every inch of enjoyment we have experienced in our life so far. Then we continue to experience joyful memories, that we will then mourn in a few years, not always knowing this at the time. I call this grateful life pains. They are a life well lived, a human experience. Letting us know we lived and are still alive. 

Grateful life pains got hold of me this morning, I awoke to my older sister saying goodbye to me, a hug then her car was off, taking her to a new job, in a new city. Off to change the world, and she will do it too. I then went back to sleep, like any sleepy younger sibling would. I woke to my alarm an hour later, and again went back to sleep. Subconsciously not able to bear my sister living in a new city yet. A few hours later when I woke, I realised I was late to meet my friend. I naturally got up, changed, and got ready as fast as I could. Then I was out the door. Once I arrived home from visiting my friend, I stumbled in the door, not having enough hands to carry my phone, an empty coffee cup, my driver's licence, the parcels lying at the door, and to unlock the door and lock the car. Once I got inside and put everything down, I rushed to the toilet, like any normal person who needs to pee. I then went to my room to get my laptop, so I could apply for some jobs. Next to my room was my sister's room, empty. None of her clothes were on the ground, the ones she never picked up, nor her shoes lying around that I wanted to steal. She was not speaking to me as I walked up the stairs either, ready to update me on anything that happened to her while I was out. Her room was empty, there was nothing. I was caught by grateful life pains. 

Now this is a good thing, she is alive, healthy, and living her best life. No complaints. I am so incredibly lucky and so is she. It is just a strange concept to be the youngest of four, surrounded by people the moment you came out of the womb, to it just be you in a house that you used to live with all your siblings in. It is a strange life pain. Not the worst one, not even in the slightest. A gratitude life pain, that you got to have people surrounding you that you loved you, and you loved them. A jab to reflect that you are all growing up, and will never go back. You are an adult now, it’s a good thing, a great thing. It still has a sad element. Life is going to consistently change the way time wants it to. It’s a part of the deal we get, it’s a good thing, it’s a scary thing. It’s even a whole thing, that makes you want to have a breakdown about never living in the same house as your sister again. For me I think it’s because my siblings and I have always been close, a lot of my core memories were formed with them. I learnt how to be a human from them, I copied them until I could do it on my own. I just wanted to be them, until they taught me how cool it is to be me. I am forever grateful for that.

It’s not like I am never going to see my sisters and brother again, in fact, I still continue to see them quite often. They will continue getting absurd amounts of calls from me asking them how to ‘adult,’ or to tell them something no one but us would find funny. So it really is okay. I think it’s just a reminder that we have all grown up. It came in the form of a grateful life pain. So of course it hurts a little, how lucky.