Not just coffee but the search for The Right Thing

This piece of writing is about a friend, coffee, and finding The Right Thing. I’ll explain: Izzy is my platonic soulmate. She has taught me so much about myself simply by existing as who she is. Coffee gets me up in the morning; it makes me excited about living. It’s an experience that I would love to indulge in for the rest of my life. And…. What is the right thing, and how do we find it?

Due to my stomach issues, I haven’t had coffee in a week. I was craving it so bad. So I ordered my coffee with coconut milk (instead of ordinary milk), and I did not like it. The next day Izzy and I are sitting at a cafe. I am deliberating on whether I should try oat milk or almond milk. After thinking out loud, Izzy tells me “I think you're looking for a specific taste.” I tell her “Exactly, I want the creamy milky taste that comes with ordinary milk.” In my head I acknowledge we are on the same page of what I want. So I ask “Should I get oat milk then?” Izzy repeats herself “I don't think you will like oat milk because it’s not the specific taste you are wanting, it will be different.” I agreed, then took a non-poop pill and ordered ordinary milk. Izzy laughs and tells me “You’re funny.” 

Yet again, a few days later I was thinking about what milk I should order in my coffee. I remember Izzy telling me about having a specific taste in mind. There are two outcomes of my decision; One - I drink ordinary milk and my stomach hates me. Two - I try something new and I don’t take my old expectations into the experience. No matter how much I want oat milk to taste like ordinary milk it won’t, because it’s not ordinary milk. Should I just embrace a different taste, and when my stomach is less restless I can return to the familiar? I guess now I have no choice but to try something new. 

I have clenched fists full of expectations of how I think my life should taste. When it doesn’t I feel like I have failed. I feel like it doesn’t taste as good as I know it could be. I struggle to make decisions, because if it’s not how I envisioned it, then what's the point? It feels like something that could have been so enriched is just bland. The potential is now wasted and I suck, or life does, or the meaning of life sucks. Something sucks and my life is involved in it. It hits my self-worth insecurities of no one will want to be around me since I suck. All because I haven’t found The Right Things yet (dramatic I know).

The stage of my life I am in is called figuring it out and making decisions. We are talking about big girl decisions; career, moving, love. I have found myself on the search for The Right Things. Carrie Bradshaw writes “In New York, they say, you’re always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment.” I think when Carrie writes this she means ‘right’ job,’ right’ partner and’ right’ apartment. At the end of the day, you could find a job, a partner and an apartment, but that doesn’t mean they are right for you. Now I do not live in New York City, but (according to Carrie), like the rest of New York I am in search of The Right Things.

Izzy pointing out to me that I am after a specific taste got me thinking. I decided to not try oat milk before I even knew what it tasted like. I decided it was not right. Maybe it’s good, you can call me decisive, know what she wants, and strive for perfection. Though sometimes I can miss enjoying what is right in front of me. Sometimes I fail to understand that stepping stones exist for a reason. Sometimes I can get caught calling something familiar The Right Thing, because it feels safe. I often find myself stuck between familiarity and restlessness, not knowing when I need to choose uncomfortableness for the bigger picture. If I don’t think it’s right, I’ll dismiss it so quickly. Yet in retrospect, there is so much magic within newness. Like when you learn to ride a bike, it's hard and it sucks, but that moment, when you are riding down the hill, and the wind is in your hair. That is something you can’t get without trying. 

The trouble with The Right Thing is; we don’t know it’s right till we feel it. Unfortunately for me, we can’t preemptively feel it. We can just think it’s right, till we know it’s the real deal in our hearts. Sometimes the right thing even surprises us. What if the right thing is looking for us the way we are looking for it? Surely the job, apartment or partner wants to find you too. The peace that comes with things that just fit together. Maybe we are all just looking for peace, somewhere to fit, somewhere to exist as we are. We just label it differently;‘figuring it out,’ ‘the search for meaning,’ ‘dating.’ Maybe it’s called ‘oat milk.’ We want the sweet spot of the safety of familiarity and our dreams to come true. I have just been calling it 'the search for The Right Thing' this whole time. 

Note:

Note:

As I am editing this, I am trying oat milk for the first time and I like it, who knew.